My lesbian girlfriend is overjealous and thinks I’ll cheat on her

The Telegraph, 21 December 2012

Refusing to be drawn on proving you’re not cheating is the best way to break the cycle of arguments, says Dr Petra Boynton, the Telegraph’s sex and relationships agony aunt, on advising a lesbian who is in an eight-month-old relationship.

I am a lesbian and have been seeing my girlfriend for the last eight months and I feel like I’m the only one making any form of effort in our relationship. She seems to think I’m going to cheat on her and it has caused lots of arguments in the past. What can I do to reassure her I can be trusted and I don’t want to leave her for someone else?

Thinking about the following questions might help identify what would help create a more equal relationship. What things do you do that constitute making the effort? What might happen if you don’t do these things? How would you feel and how might she react? What, ideally would you like to have her do? Is this tied up with her insecurities alone or is it about you having to make an additional effort on top of reassuring her? Aside from her worries, how does she feel about you and your relationship? If the relationship is making you both unhappy some of the time (or more) what are the benefits of being together?

How have you tried dealing with her worries? Often we try and address situations like this by reassuring our partners we are trustworthy and find as many ways as we can to prove this. Sometimes this works. But sometimes you can both get caught up in a spiral of increasing anxieties, more accusations and a seemingly never ending need to prove one’s innocence and/or commitment.

Try and find time to talk together calmly. State how much you enjoy being with her. Explain you’ve shown you are trustworthy, and you will support her take steps to deal with her self-esteem. These tips from The Couple Connection on overcoming jealousy could help. Her GP can refer her to counselling (this will be free but there could be a long waiting list).

Read the full article on The Telegraph website here.