There are many 'firsts' in life. Your first kiss, your first trip, your first job. Being in your very first relationship is a 'first' that can be very exciting. When you meet the person you think is right, you may seek advice on how to behave, when to introduce your family and friends, or even how to be a part of a couple. But when you identify as LGBTQ+ you might also have other things to worry about in your first queer relationship.
Couples entering their first queer relationship face unique difficulties that heterosexual couples don’t [1]. Whether someone is out publicly or is still closeted can be a big strain. Many still suffer prejudice from friends and family. Some may even choose to keep the relationship a secret for a wide range of reasons.
All these difficulties can make it harder to find the excitement of a first relationship and may put a strain on things from an early stage, especially if there is little to no outside support.
To bring visibility to these varied difficulties, we asked a few people to recall their first queer relationships.
Were you ‘out’ when you were in your first queer relationship?
"[My first relationship] was in 1981. I was out, but only just. I think it was probably less than six months after I told my parents." – Chris, Bury
"I was 23 and not out when I had my first same-sex relationship. It was all very much a secret and was fun for the first month. But in the end, it became a strain on the relationship. Having to make excuses about where I was going for the weekend, who I was with, etc. We could only meet at his place, and even when we went out as a couple it would be to places I knew my family and work colleagues wouldn’t go." – Ty, Wimbledon
"I wasn't out. I had always been open to the idea of having a relationship with a woman, but it had never happened before [then]. I think this made the initial steps a little tentative but quite fun." – Liz, Shotton
What were the reactions from your friends and family?
"My sister was fine with it. I didn't really talk to people about my relationship as I thought it was obvious – I lived with my partner and we were raising a child. I would challenge people who made homophobic comments and was quoted passages from the Bible on a few occasions. But the straight friends I had did not seem too concerned about my living arrangements." – V, London
"There was some resistance from some family members and friends, although the majority was supportive. My parents worried about how people would view me and [that they might] not give me the same chances." – Amy, London
Who did you seek relationship advice from?
"The only person I spoke to about my relationship was my best straight friend. Not that he was the best person to ask. To be honest, I just took things as they came. This was in 1996 before we had the internet, so information about homosexuality and [queer] relationships was incredibly limited." – Serge, The Netherlands
What is the difference between first queer and straight relationships?
"I had a girlfriend for four years before my first gay relationship. While it was very nice, I always felt that there was something missing, that it was pretend and not real. With my first [queer] relationship, I felt more comfortable with myself." – Ty, Wimbledon
"It was different as people saw straight relationships as normal and a given. Both [first] same-sex and straight relationships [I had] were new and awkward." – Amy, London
The importance of support systems
Public attitudes to queer relationships have improved since many of these people experienced their first relationships, but LGBTQ+ people still risk facing stigma and discrimination when talking openly about their relationships [2]. If you don’t yet feel able to talk about your sexuality with your friends and family, you may find yourself without a support system [3].
A good support system is really important. LGBTQ+ people are more likely to report problems with mental health, emotional wellbeing, and substance abuse [4]. Having close and supportive relationships – friends, family, and romantic partners – can protect against this, so if you can talk to someone you trust, it's important that you do [5].
If this is impossible in your community, or with the people around you, you may be able to find support more safely or comfortably in online spaces. These online meeting places and support groups can help break down the barriers for LGBTQ+ people forming their first queer relationships.
The power of online connections
Perhaps the most obvious use of online communities is dating apps. These apps can give you a safe space to explore the different aspects of your identity, gender, and sexual desires, helping you put together a picture of how you want to present yourself to the world [6]. The anonymity of online dating can also help you feel a bit more comfortable about meeting and getting to know people interested in similar things without the pressure of having to couple up [7].
Another positive byproduct of online dating is that you become part of a community. This can give you a boost in self-esteem and a sense of belonging [7], and can also lead to you forming positive relationships offline as you feel supported by others [8].
So, if you’re exploring the often baffling world of relationships for the first time as an LGBTQ+ person, you might find it helpful to seek out information, advice, and even communities online for advice that is specific and relevant to your concerns. There are others out there going through similar experiences to yours, and many people who can support you.
References
[1] Mustanski, B., Birkett, M., Greene, G. J., Hatzenbuehler, M. L., & Newcomb, M. E. (2014). Envisioning an America without sexual orientation inequities in adolescent health. American Journal of Public Health, 104(2), 218–225.
[2] Smith, Matthew (2023). Record number of Britons support same-sex marriage 10 years after key vote. YouGov.co.uk.
[3] Detrie, P. M., & Lease, S. H. (2007). The relation of social support, connectedness, and collective self-esteem to the psychological well-being of lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth. Journal of Homosexuality, 53(4), 173-199.
[4] Heck, N. C., Flentje, A., & Cochran, B. N. (2011). Offsetting risks: High school gay-straight alliances and lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth. School Psychology Quarterly, 26(2), 161.
[5] Peplau, L. A., & Fingerhut, A. W. (2007). The close relationships of lesbians and gay men. Annu. Rev. Psychol., 58, 405-424.
[7] Bargh, J. A., & McKenna, K. Y. (2004). The Internet and social life. Annu. Rev. Psychol., 55, 573-590.
[8] Bargh, J. A., McKenna, K. Y., & Fitzsimons, G. M. (2002). Can you see the real me? Activation and expression of the “true self” on the Internet. Journal of social issues, 58(1), 33-48.
