Picture this: you’ve had a long day at work and you’re glad to be home. You notice some dishes left in the sink from last night. You want to get them done so you can sit quietly in a tidy kitchen and have a cup of tea. While you’re washing up, you remember a stressful incident from work today. As you replay the moment in your head, you let out a big sigh as your partner enters the kitchen.
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Because your partner isn’t inside your head, they might think you’re sighing over having to do the dishes. This might make them defensive as they explain why they didn't do the dishes. Before you know it, you’re arguing about something that hasn’t even happened and your hard day has gone unacknowledged by your support system.

Why it’s important to feel understood

Healthy relationships are all about communication – not just what you communicate to each other, but how you each understand what’s being communicated.  
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When you need something from your partner, the first step is to communicate that need. The second step is for them to recognise your need. Without communication and recognition, you'll most likely feel insecure or unheard by your partner. This is why feeling understood is so important when it comes to being satisfied in your relationship [1]. Being understood helps us feel secure and looked after. It helps us feel seen [2].

What you say and what you mean

Say you are feeling upset about something. Do you tend to sulk until your partner notices, or do you  tell them that you're feeling down? When you don't communicate properly, it can be easier to blame your partner for not listening, think they don't care about you, or feel they don't know you as well as someone else. This does not give them the chance to be there for you. It cuts them off.
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When it comes to communication, it is our responsibility to ensure we communicate our thoughts and feelings clearly. If you believe someone has misunderstood you, try making the choice to re-frame what you’ve communicated until it makes sense to the other person. You can apply this not just to the words you convey, but also to your emotions.  

Don't assume – be open

Your partner may be the person who knows you best – but it’s not their job to read your mind. How many times have you moped around waiting for your partner to notice how sad you are? It might feel like your partner doesn’t care, but the reality is that many of us tend to over-estimate how much emotion we are conveying [3] [4].  
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You may also assume that your partner instinctively knows what you’re feeling [5]. However, even if they do pick up on cues, they might then incorrectly assume they are the cause for the upset. These assumptions can be among the biggest hindrances to communicating effectively in relationships. They can leave you feeling unheard, rejected, and liable to lash out in response [6].  
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Instead of waiting for your partner to 'know' how you are feeling, take the opportunity to let them in by letting them know. Expressing yourself can lead to greater intimacy and vulnerability. These cornerstones of healthy relationships will not only allow you to be clearer, but can help your partner feel more equipped to support you.

Remember: clarity is key

Being clear about your thoughts and feelings can protect against feeling misunderstood by your partner. It's hard to get it right all the time. If you're tired, stressed, or unwell, talking about what is going on inside can be draining. Just remember that it is truly worth the effort. The next time your partner misunderstands you, try to remember that they don’t have all the information. It's up to you to fill in the gaps. This will help both you and your partner get what you need!  

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References

[1] Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I'm coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology, 110(2), 239–260. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000039

[2] Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2000). A safe haven: An attachment theory perspective on support seeking and caregiving in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78, 1053-1073.

[3] Vorauer, J. D., Cameron, J. J., Holmes, J. G., & Pearce, D. G. (2003). Invisible overtures: Fears of rejection and the amplification bias. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 793-812.

[4] Forest, A. L., Walsh, R. M., & Krueger, K. L. (2021). Facilitating and motivating support: How support‐seekers can affect the support they receive in times of distress. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 15(6), e12600.

[5] Eidleson, R. J., & Epstein, N. (1982). Cognition and relationship maladjustment: Development of a measure of dysfunctional relationship beliefs. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 50, 715-720.

[6] Cameron, J. J., & Vorauer, J. D. (2008). Feeling transparent: On metaperceptions and miscommunications. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 2, 1093-1108.

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