When you go through a separation, things can change abruptly for your whole family. It can be difficult to navigate what the new 'normal' looks like – especially when you get to big moments like Christmas. If this your first Christmas as a co-parent, you may feel unsure of what to expect or how to handle your new family setup.
To help you keep things merry and bright for your whole family this holiday season, take a look at our practical tips below.
1. Plan ahead
It's important that all your arrangements are agreed upon in advance. Don’t leave plans to the last minute. Some co-parents can make arrangements almost a year in advance, but even a few weeks out can help set expectations for you, your co-parent, and your children. Why not try putting your Christmas plans into a parenting plan? This is a document that outlines all agreed arrangements between co-parents and can help take the sting out of negotiating. You can use the built-in parenting plan in our free Separating better app.
2. Start new traditions
Separation can introduce feelings of grief, especially when you start contemplating ‘how things used to be’ during holidays or special occasions. This is why it's important to be creative and invent new traditions. Involve your kids in planning what Christmas will look like, and focus on embracing change. This might mean opening presents at a different time, taking a walk after lunch instead of before, or eating through a box of Quality Street at midnight – it’s up to you to reinvent your family Christmas! Your energy and embracing of change will help reinforce your kids' experience of a new Christmas as a positive thing.
3. Consider your kids' preferences
If your children are old enough to have their say on how they want to spend Christmas, it's important to listen to them – even if it feels unfair to you. If possible, sit down with your co-parent and kids and ask them what they would like to do this Christmas. It's okay to offer suggestions (eg Christmas Eve in one place, then Christmas Day in the other) but try not to put your own wishes on them. It's a tricky situation to navigate for everyone. If your children are too young to decide for themselves, consider splitting the time either on the day or over the Christmas period. Do what you can to minimise the to-ing and fro-ing, as this can cause unnecessary stress, especially if you live far apart.
4. Be realistic
As it is your first 'new' Christmas, you may find your children push for you all to spend the day together as a family. If you feel this is achievable, this may be a good way to ease into new traditions in a safe environment. However, for many new co-parents, this is not a realistic option. Remember – an atmosphere of tension on Christmas Day is not good for anyone, but it’s especially tough for the kids. This is why it is important to be realistic. If spending even a few hours together will cause tension, it's better to deal with disappointment now and focus on building excitement for new traditions. They will cope more easily celebrating with you separately than dealing with an angry or combative environment.
5. Make plans for your own time
If your kids aren’t with you on Christmas, make your own plans! Embrace the day, be inventive, and make it your alternative Christmas. Take the opportunity to spend the day with friends or family. Enjoy some personal time and do an activity that makes you happy. While Christmas Day is important, so many families have multiple 'Christmas Days' that they enjoy over the festive period. If that’s what works for your family this year, then make a plan and set a date to have your own Christmas Day with the kids.
It's not easy, but it's important to remember…
Christmas as a co-parent should be about forming safe, loving environments for your children. It's important they know that even though things have changed for your family dynamic, they are still valued and loved by both of their parents. Be gentle with yourself as you try to navigate this first holiday season as a co-parent. It can be an emotional time for everyone, but working together to find your new family seasonal traditions can help make things easier this year – and for the years to come. For more relationship advice and tips, follow us on social media and sign up for our newsletter today.
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