Are you wanting to get more in touch with your emotions, but you're not sure how to start? Do you want to be better at communicating how you feel to your partner? If so, you need to focus on your emotional intelligence. This is the ability to recognise your own emotions and choose how you respond to them, allowing you to take better control of the way you think and behave [1]. It can also help you read other people’s emotions, making you a more effective communicator while improving your relationships with others [2].
Why emotional intelligence is good for your relationship
You may think that being vulnerable in front of your partner might make them think less of you. However, studies have shown that couples with high levels of emotional intelligence are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships [3]. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it becomes to see things from your partner's point of view. This can help you feel closer, be a better support system, and understand each other more [4].
This does not mean your relationship will be perfect. You will still fight and disagree, but understanding emotions means you can step back from a difficult conversation, examine the options, and find ways to work towards a resolution [5].
How to improve your emotional intelligence
The following tips can help you take charge of your emotions and improve your communication skills as you boost your emotional intelligence.
1. Learn to recognise your emotions
Developing your emotional intelligence starts with self-examination. Notice how you feel, particularly in times of stress or high emotion. Do you get angry easily, or sulk when you don’t get your way? What about when you’re happy, confused, or bored? It's also important to understand that you can feel multiple emotions at once. Sometimes, feeling one emotion might lead to another one.
Check in with yourself from time to time. Notice the way you experience difference emotions. Without judgement, describe to yourself what you’re thinking and feeling. Take note of the physical sensations as well as the thoughts in your head. Is your heart rate up or down? Is your mind racing or still? Are your muscles tense or relaxed? All these cues can help you identify what you are feeling.
2. Look behind your emotions
Once the process of recognising your emotions feels a bit more natural, start to delve a little deeper and think about why you feel the way you feel. Is it because of what’s happening now, or are there other factors influencing you? Something from the past, an external factor like a work deadline, or a lack of sleep?
Check in on your emotions a few times a day, whether you feel good, bad, or neutral. As you become more aware of the triggers that lead to certain emotions, you’ll find you can anticipate them, and even regulate them. This is the first step to being able to stay calm and composed in difficult situations.
3. Reflect on your behaviour
Your thoughts and actions are intrinsically linked to your feelings. As you learn more about your feelings, expand your attention to notice how they affect your behaviour. Do you lash out when you’re angry? Do you leap to the defensive when you’re feeling hurt? Do you get single-minded when you’re under pressure?
Remember that the ways you respond to different situations are the product of years of life experience. Be kind to yourself. Try to observe your behaviour without judging it – this will make it easier for you to give an honest account of how you are feeling. Notice the links between your emotions, thoughts, and actions to pick up on any emerging patterns.
4. Take responsibility
Once you’re able to recognise your feelings and responses, you can start to take more responsibility for your choices. In a situation where you might be inclined to react negatively, see if you can catch yourself and try to make a different decision. It will help you be responsible and regulate yourself. This could be as simple as asking someone to clarify their meaning before you respond, or giving yourself some time alone to calm down before continuing a conversation. The more you practise this, the more you can start to choose how you respond to difficult situations.
Remember – you are not responsible for other people's emotions. You can only control your own!
5. Work on your empathy skills
This understanding of your own emotions will start to give you an insight into others’ reactions too. Being emotionally intelligent will not make you a mind reader, but it will give you a level of insight and understanding that can make you a better communicator.
It's worth mentioning that other people will experience emotions differently to how you do. Their coping mechanisms, emotional capacity, and trigger moments will most likely not be the same as your own. If you are curious, you can take time to ask them about their emotional experiences. Just remember to be understanding if they aren't ready to share!
It's a journey – not a destination
Emotional intelligence is always available to you, if you are willing to put the work in. Remember to have compassion for yourself while you focus on this. If you need help, it is always worth talking to a friend, or seeking professional assistance to help you cope.
The next time you are facing difficult feelings, try a quick check-in. Ask yourself:
- How am I feeling?
- What am I thinking?
- How is that making me behave?
This can be a helpful way to connect with your emotional state, and get an understanding of the way you process your thoughts and emotions. You can’t stop difficult feelings from coming up – but you can make different choices about how to deal with them.
References
[1] Coleman, Andrew (2015). A Dictionary of Psychology (4 ed.). Oxford University Press.
[2] Mayer, John D (2008). Human Abilities: Emotional Intelligence. Annual Review of Psychology. 59: 507–536.
[3] Jardine, B. B., Vannier, S., & Voyer, D. (2022). Emotional intelligence and romantic relationship satisfaction: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Personality and individual differences, 196, 111713.
[4] Double, K.S., Xiao, H., Pinkus, R.T. et al. You Feel Better When Your Partner is Emotionally Intelligent: Self-Rated Emotional Intelligence Shows Partner Effects on Subjective Wellbeing. J Happiness Stud 26, 77 (2025). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-025-00914-3
[5] Zeidner, M., & Kloda, I. (2013). Emotional intelligence (EI), conflict resolution patterns, and relationship satisfaction: Actor and partner effects revisited. Personality And Individual Differences, 54(2), 278-283.