When we think of relationship support, our first thought might be something like couples therapy where the focus is on solving problems or managing disagreements. However, there is growing evidence that long term relationships tend to falter not through the presence of negativity, but through a lack of positivity [1].
So, rather than waiting for a crisis and seeking couples therapy, you might be better off focusing on building the positive aspects of your relationship, like friendship. Working to strengthen the depth of love and friendship is ‘probably the treatment of choice’ [2].
Something as simple as friendship can be the foundation of a strong relationship with a partner. This foundation has three parts:
- Couples with strong friendships tend to be emotionally connected. They know what is happening in their partner’s world and they are interested in each other’s lives.
- They admire and show appreciation for each other.
- They respond positively to each other’s requests for attention, interest, or affection [3].
A strong foundation of friendship can help you see the best in your partner. When you are feeling positive about your partner, it’s much easier to see any inevitable letdowns as being out of character or due to circumstance. It becomes easier to forgive each other and move on [4].
Research shows that married and cohabiting couples who see their partner as their ‘best friend’ are much more satisfied with their lives than those who name someone else as their closest friend [5]. Of course, this doesn’t mean you need to live in each other’s pockets – it’s also important to have time to yourselves and a network of support from other friends and family.
Friendship in the good times and the bad
A study of couples interviewed separately over the first 15 years of their marriage [6] showed that people who described being great friends with their partner were in some of the most satisfying relationships of all. Many of the couples had been ‘friends first’ before becoming romantic partners [7]. As one man put it, “You need to have that basic friendship at the base of everything to build up from, and that always gives you something to go back to.”
Couples’ experiences of the pandemic differed substantially depending on a number of factors, but many couples commented that because they were such good friends, they had not found it difficult to be in lockdown together. Couples in thriving relationships ‘work hard’ to keep their relationship vibrant, but because they enjoy each other’s company, this is not ‘hard work’.
In the good times and the bad, friendship is “The glue that sticks everything together.” Couples who are good friends look out and want the best for each other. They tackle issues as a team, which can strengthen their love and friendship even further. This can even help when things go wrong – in the 15-year study of couples, one man said that he fell back on the “solid friendship” they had enjoyed to get him through the difficult months after finding out about his wife’s affair in the early years of their marriage. Without this basis of friendship, the relationship may not have survived.
What happens if friendship isn’t strong?
In the same study, concerns flagged by the researchers over the strength of the couple’s friendship at the first interview reliably predicted which couples would separate. Without a foundation of friendship, there seemed to be little to fight for when couples hit difficulties, and the relationships broke down [4]. When friendship is weak, the likely outcome is that people leave unhappy marriages [7]. That is why it’s essential to choose a partner you get on well with and then work hard to keep the relationship strong.
How can you build your friendship as a couple?
It is normal for relationships to go through peaks and troughs. It takes time and effort to keep things vibrant with a partner and there will be times when you feel closer than at others. Making time shows your partner they are your priority, especially when time is at a premium.
Here are some things you can do to keep your relationship strong:
- Stay up to date and interested in what is happening in your partner’s life.
- Show appreciation for what your partner does for you or let them know the qualities you admire in them.
- Respond positively and enthusiastically when your partner asks for your time, attention, or affection.
- Show that you care through small gestures. A cup of tea or a “How was your day?” can be more meaningful than occasional big gestures.
- Make time for your partner, and carve out time together.
- Be your partner’s biggest cheerleader and a shoulder to cry on when things are tough.
- Tackle things as a team and be ‘in it together’.
- Make plans for small treats or time together to stay connected and have things to look forward to.
- Learn what makes your partner feel cherished. If it’s ‘being helpful’, then notice something that needs doing, like loading the dishwasher, and do it without being asked.
By Dr Jan Ewing, University of Exeter
References
[1] Frank Fincham, Scott Stanley and Steven Beach, ‘Transformative Processes in Marriage: An Analysis of Emerging Trends’ (2007) 69 Journal of Marriage and Family 275
[2] John Gottman and others, The Mathematics of Marriage: Dynamic Nonlinear Models (Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, 2002)
[3] John Gottman and Julie Gottman, ‘The Natural Principles of Love’ (2017) 9(3) Journal of Family Theory and Review 7
[4] Anne Barlow and others The Shackleton Relationships Project: Report on Key Findings (University of Exeter, 2018)
[5] Shawn Grover and John Helliwell, ‘How’s Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness’ (2017) 20(2) Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being 373
[6] Anne Barlow and Jan Ewing, forthcoming
[7] See: Danu Stinson, Jessica Cameron and Lisa Hoplock, ‘The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science’ (2022) 13(2) Social Psychological and Personality Science 562
[8] Denise Prevetti and Paul Amato ‘Why Stay Married? Rewards, Barriers and Marital Stability’ (2003) 65(3) Journal of Marriage and Family 561
