Relationships aren’t born fully formed. After you and your partner get together, you will continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. There will be ups and downs and all couples go through difficult phases as they adjust to these changes. But those who make it through the tough times often find themselves stronger at the other side.
As relationships evolve over time, most people try to find a balance between keeping their individuality and being part of a couple. The trickiest times are usually the transitions from one stage of a relationship to the next. Being aware of how conflict can come up during these times will help you to deal with difficulties and find a way through together.
The following model was originally developed by OnePlusOne for our booklet ‘Supporting Couple Relationships: A Sourcebook for Practitioners’. It shows some of the different stages a relationship might go through. Couples don’t necessarily move smoothly from one stage to another and you might find you go back and forth, depending on the events in your lives.
If you’re going through a rocky patch, this model can help you to see that it’s all part of the journey, and that things can get better. During these difficult periods, it can help to make more of an effort to:
- Show affection and support.
- Spend time together.
- Express and share your feelings.
It’s not always easy to work through an unhappy phase but many couples push through and find happiness again. One study found that nearly two thirds of people (62%) who stayed together through an unhappy patch said that their relationships were happier again after they had worked things through.
Stages of relationships
Stage 1. Romance
Most relationships start with romance, although this can come later for some couples, such as in an arranged marriage.
At this intense phase, everything seems perfect. You want to spend every moment together, and you may overlook your differences and difficulties. It can be like living in a dream, as you build the togetherness that will allow you to get through difficult times in the future.
Stage 2. Reality
Eventually, you start to reconnect with the outside world and reality hits. It can be disheartening to realise that you are two separate people with different needs. You both have to learn how to compromise, manage conflict, and work through your differences.
This may not happen for you both at the same time. If one of you starts to re-establish their independence, the other may react by becoming more needy. But, if you can accept each other’s need for independence, you’ll have a much better chance of developing the skills you need to deal with the challenges of the coming years.
Stage 3. Power struggles
In this stage, your need for independence grows and you may start wanting to get your own way more often. Arguments and criticism become more frequent and intense, particularly around topics like money, family, and who does what around the home.
When couples break up, it is often around this time. But many couples work though this stage by coming to terms with their differences. Look for ways to discuss your differences and disagreements – be honest about your feelings, and accepting of your partner’s needs, but keep showing affection and spending quality time together.
Stage 4. Finding yourself
The next stage is another difficult one for couples, as you look to find yourselves again. The focus shifts from ‘we’ to ‘me’ as you both start asking yourselves: “Who am I?” “What do I want?” “What do I need?”
Couples often find this stage particularly stressful because they feel less connected with each other. It may feel like you are drifting apart because you’re both doing your own thing. You might argue more and may even consider having an affair or breaking up at this stage. The good news is that if you can accept your partner’s independence and still feel connected to them, it all gets easier from here.
Stage 5. Reconciliation
In this stage, you’ll focus on reconciliation as you work out a new sense of togetherness. You’ll understand each other better, be more accepting of each other, and feel more committed. You’ll even start to see your differences as strengths, rather than weaknesses.
Stage 6. Mutual love and respect
In the final stage, you’ll both feel fully accepted by each other and you’ll have reached a comfortable balance between being together and your own individuality. You’ll feel free to explore new ways of fulfilling yourselves instead of pouring so much energy into the relationship.
Being aware of the difficulties and dangers of each transition means you’re better equipped to deal with them and talk about them. If you find yourself struggling with one of these transitions, remind yourself that it’s just another step on your journey to the final stage. By understanding each other’s need for independence, you can find mutual love and respect together.
References
This article was adapted from: Reynolds, J. (2008). Supporting couple relationships: A Sourcebook for Practitioners. OnePlusOne.
