Messy arguments. Inconsistent stories. Being hot one second, then cold the next. All quibbles in healthy relationships… and also massive red flags for toxic relationships.
If you are in a relationship, it can be difficult to discern between normal and toxic behaviours. To keep yourself and your partner in check, it's important to look at your relationship from an outside perspective. If someone has had a bad day at work, they may be quicker to start an argument. You may pretend you didn't hear your partner mention an event because you didn't want to go to it.
Isolated incidents of unhealthy behaviour can arise from miscommunication. However, when these behaviours begin to form patterns that negatively impact your emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing – this is a toxic relationship.
Signs of a toxic relationship
If you are unsure of what toxic behaviours or tendencies may look like in a romantic relationship, consider the following signs:
- Constant conflict and emotional exhaustion.
- Feeling insecure or unworthy around your partner.
- Gaslighting, blaming, or criticism over every little thing.
- Being unable to express yourself, or always walking on eggshells.
- Expectations to show up for your partner, but never receiving support in return.
- Doubting your own reality or self-worth, and being unhappy in your relationship.
Toxic behaviours often damage your confidence. They can tear you down and negatively affect your mental health, your identity, and your relationships with friends and family. They may cause you to isolate yourself, internalise guilt and blame, struggle to communicate, or avoid ending the relationship. [1]
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a common behaviour in toxic relationships. This is a form of manipulation that causes you to question your own beliefs and your sense of reality. When someone gaslights you, they are trying to make you doubt yourself. They will often use phrases such as:
- "That's not what happened."
- "You're worrying too much about nothing."
- "You never said that to me."
- "If you really loved me, you would do this instead."
- "I'm trying really hard, and it feels like you don't even care."
This behaviour is often about controlling the narrative of what you believe happened or what you are feeling. It is important to keep in mind that the intention behind the phrases is what makes them gaslighting. It’s not just a simple miscommunication or misunderstanding. [2]
Entertainment or encouragement?
The use of toxic relationships and behaviours for entertainment is very common. Shows, films, plays, and books often derive plot points from the drama they can cause. This is not necessarily wrong. After all – who doesn't love a little bit of drama? However, depending on how often these behaviours are shown and whether there is any accountability or context included, it can be harmful.
When we introduce toxic behaviours into the content we are consuming as a culture, we need to be mindful of how it is being perceived. Regardless of whether it is reality television or a fictional world, toxic behaviour should never be romanticised or made to seem 'heroic'. This can make it more difficult to notice both toxic and healthy relationship habits when they are happening in your real life.
What to do
If you’re concerned you may be in a toxic relationship, it is important to reflect on whether the relationship is helping you grow. Genuine love and support shouldn’t cost you your peace or self-confidence. When it does, you should reconsider why you are with the person and what they offer you in your relationship.
If you are exhibiting toxic behaviours in a relationship, you need to take responsibility for your behaviour. Sometimes, we can engage in these behaviours if we are unhappy or stressed, but it does not excuse the behaviour. Take some time to reflect – this is the first step toward change. Challenge habits like blaming your partner or controlling their decisions. Learn how to validate your partner instead of minimising them. A helpful phrase is “I hear you” instead of downplaying their concerns or worries.
If you want to improve the relationship, try to have compassion for one another and work on communicating honestly. No one enjoys having uncomfortable conversations. Instead of seeing them as something to control or absorb the guilt of, take them as an opportunity to grow together. Call out habits if they come back, use "I feel" statements instead of "You always", and focus on now instead of bringing up past instances. [2]
Disclaimer: This advice is for relationships where one partner may exhibit unhealthy or toxic behaviours. It does not apply to abusive relationships.
Changing the narrative
Real connection thrives when there’s mutual respect, transparency, empathy, and a freedom to express needs without fear or manipulation.
By recognising and calling out toxic relationships and behaviours, you can help change the narrative. When we refuse to glamourise toxic behaviours, especially with younger generations, we can help build better relational health for everyone.
References
- Lee, M., 2018. Toxic relationships: 7 alarming signs that you are in a toxic relationship. Isaac Cruz.
- Viezzer, S., 2023. What Are The Signs Of An Unhealthy Relationship. Simply Psychology.
