It may be no surprise to you that once a month when menstruation hits your relationship just feels different. You and your partner might feel out of sync, unable to see eye to eye. This is a very common experience! Research suggests menstruation can affect mood, energy, communication, and intimacy for both partners (Allen & Goldberg, 2009; Chrisler & Johnston-Robledo, 2018).  

What's going on during menstruation

During menstruation, hormonal changes can lead to multiple symptoms. This includes physical pain, fatigue, as well as mood and behavioural symptoms, including irritability, tension, and emotional irregularity.  
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However, the menstrual experience comes in variations for every individual. Some symptoms may be mild, and some may be severe. There can also be conditions such as Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and Endometriosis that can make certain symptoms debilitating or extreme (Yonkers et al., 2008).
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These symptoms and experiences can affect day-to-day life during a menstrual cycle, so naturally they can also affect relationships. For example, you may notice a significant change in communication, energy, and emotional connection during this time.

Why 'understanding' can help

Many people believe menstruation is just ‘bad cramps and mood swings’. However, there is so much more to what is happening in a person's body during menstruation. It is hormonal and physical – not just emotional.  
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There is also considerable social stigma around menstruation and it is often considered 'taboo', which can make it more difficult to talk about. People who go through menstruation might feel they need to pretend it's not happening to them to appear "normal" and be treated fairly, even when they are struggling with symptoms (Chrisler, 2013).
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When it comes to your relationship, it's important that both of you try to be understanding during all parts of a person's menstruation cycle. Symptoms can begin appearing – and are sometimes more extreme – during the luteal phase (which happens directly before the period begins). Understanding that any behavioural changes are often due to hormones and symptoms that are outside of that person's control. They often understand and recognise that they are not acting the way they would like to, but are unable to stop themselves. Just remember that it is not their personal intention. Research shows that recognising these changes can reduce misunderstanding between partners and promote relationship health (Allen & Goldberg, 2009).

Talk about what's going on

Communication between partners is crucial and forms the foundation for a healthy relationship. Good communication and personal understanding can help manage the effects of menstruation on relationships. It's important to avoid silence, guessing, or making assumptions to ensure you both feel you are on the same team.  
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Instead, you should try to encourage honest conversations that help you explain how you are feeling, whether you are experiencing menstruation or trying to support your partner. Explaining your needs clearly can help you as an individual, but also your partner when it comes to understanding your experience better and knowing how they can support you.  
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Studies show that clear communication is linked with improved relationship outcomes, especially during times of emotional or physical changes (Weber et al.,2023). While this is important during significant life events, it is also crucial for the rhythms of everyday life – such as menstruation.  

Be flexible with expectations

During menstruation, individuals will experience a fluctuation in energy levels. They may be physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausted and feel unable to be present during an agreed upon plan. Therefore plans or intimacy may need to be adjusted for a later date. This is always disappointing, but sometimes it is better to reschedule rather than try to push through and cause more tension.
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When a partner is understanding of this and can be flexible with adjusting plans, it reduces pressure within the relationship. It can also help the person who is menstruating feel more seen and heard, battling any negative emotions, thoughts, or feelings they may be having as a result of fluctuating hormones.  
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A good way to plan to avoid having to reschedule or rethink is to try and track menstruation. There are lots of helpful apps available that can give you a rough estimate of when menstruation may start and end in the month based on previous trends. However, as some people who experience menstruation may not have a regular cycle, it's important to hold things loosely in case 'Aunt Flo' decides to visit unexpectedly.

Rethink intimacy

You may be in the mood to physically connect with your partner, but menstruation can sometimes make that a difficult thing to accomplish. Research shows that libido often changes during menstruation (Bullivant et al., 2004). This does not mean you cannot engage in sexual activity, but it is worth having a conversation around what you both feel comfortable doing during menstruation.
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The ultimate goal of rethinking intimacy is to remove the pressure of all intimacy leading to sex. Menstruation can become very physically uncomfortable and therefore it is important to consider other forms of intimacy that don’t put pressure on your partner experiencing the symptoms of menstruation. After all, most intimacy does not equate to sex. Instead, during menstruation you should prioritise closeness, comfort, and compassion (all forms of intimacy). Think about cuddling, offering a foot rub or lower back massage, filling up a hot water bottle, or making them a nutritious dinner. These are all great options!  

Learn, don’t dismiss

The menstruation cycle is commonly dismissed and minimised in both relationships and workplaces, especially with conditions like Endometriosis and PMDD. Crazy, when so many people go through it every month!
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This is why it's important for people to learn about menstruation and the conditions which some individuals face. Symptoms of endometriosis and PMDD can be very serious and long term, even requiring surgery or lifestyle changes, which can be traumatic.
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Research highlights that validation instead of dismissal plays a crucial role in relationship satisfaction and emotional wellbeing (Leiblum, 2002; Chrisler & Johnston-Robledo, 2018).

Creating a supportive environment

When someone is going through menstruation, romantic partners can play an important role in supporting them through their emotional and physical stress. Even small tasks can feel overwhelming, which is why small and practical actions can make a huge difference.  

For example, helping with everyday tasks, offering reassurance and patience, and recognising when the individual may need rest or even space. These small actions can make a huge difference within the relationship, it helps individuals feel seen, heard and understood, which can strengthen the relationship overall. When they feel safe during menstruation, they know they will feel safe during the rest of their cycle as well (Sullivan et al., 2010). 

Menstruation affects us all

Remember that menstruation can affect relationships in many ways, and the experience will be different for everyone. With the use of communication, understanding, and support, the challenges faced during menstruation can become more manageable for both partners.
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Taking the time to listen to your partner and adapt to their needs will help strengthen and maintain your relationship.  
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References

Allen, A. M., & Goldberg, A. E. (2009). Sexual activity during menstruation: Attitudes and behaviours. Journal of Sex Research, 46(5), 413–421.

Bullivant, S. B., Sellergren, S. A., Stern, K., Spencer, N. A., Jacob, S., Mennella, J. A., & McClintock, M. K. (2004). Women’s sexual experience during the menstrual cycle. Hormones and Behavior, 45(1), 1–10.

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224490409552216

Chrisler, J. C. (2013). Teaching taboo topics: Menstruation, menopause, and the psychology of stigma. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 37(1), 128–132.

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0361684312471326

Chrisler, J. C., & Johnston-Robledo, I. (2018). The menstrual mark: Menstruation as social stigma. Sex Roles, 68, 9–18.

https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-981-15-0614-7_17

Leiblum, S. R. (2002). Reconsidering gender differences in sexual desire: An update. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 17(1), 57–68.  

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681990220108027

Sullivan, K. T., & Davila, J. (Eds.). (2010). Support processes in intimate relationships. Oxford University Press.

https://books.google.co.uk/books?hl=en&lr=&id=dpNR1aJSigwC&oi=fnd&pg=PR7&dq=Partner+support+and+emotional+wellbeing+in+intimate+relationships

Weber, D. M., Lavner, J. A., & Beach, S. R. H. (2023). Couples’ communication quality differs by topic. Journal of Family Psychology, 37(6), 909–919.

https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2023-74279-001

Yonkers, K. A., O’Brien, P. M., & Eriksson, E. (2008). Premenstrual syndrome. The Lancet, 371(9619), 1200–1210.

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140673608605279/abstract

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